The Mighty Ummm...Brella!

Unless you live under the proverbial rock, or have been on a month-long Moroccan vacation where you didn't have access to any type of technology, I just wanted to casually mention that it's been a bit snowy around here lately.

This fact is very important to the tale I tell you today.  This winter has to be one for the record books.  In truth, the school district has had the first snow day called in 13 years.  Us Utahns don't worry much about snow, so for us to be whining means it's bad.

Or... turns out we are actually whiners.

Whichever, really.

So, I present to you two photos to illustrate my point.

Exhibit A.  Ms. Els standing in the snow bank
next to our driveway.  Snow up to her bum.



Exhibit B.  The Hubs on our back deck
with his icicles of death, snow almost up to his bum.

During these perilous, and highly annoying, times I have witnessed both amazing resourcefulness and shocking stupidity.  And both of these moments in time involved an umbrella.

I used to think an umbrella was only for keeping dry.  Perhaps a second use would be to provide shade.  But other than that, I didn't think the simple little gadget had much else to offer.

Until Winter 2013, when my eyes were opened.

I don't really have space or time to tell you both tales right now, so I'll just wet your appetite with the tale of stupidity.  Because, really, there's nothing more enjoyable to me in the mornings than other people's pain.  Let me paint you a picture. 

The elementary school that my daughters attend is on Main Street.  Really let the name of the street sink in.  MAIN STREET.  As in the MAIN thoroughfare through town.  As in if you do something stupid on MAIN Street then a great percentage of the community will see it.

If you manage to do such a thing I really feel like doing it during the school rush at 8:40 a.m. is a great idea.  See, with all the snow and ice and toxic air, the majority of kids are getting rides to school.  Add a crosswalk across Main to the mix and you have a big honker of a line leading to the school.  Several blocks.

Don't lose your cool, people.  Just go idle speed and we'll all be fine.  Or, do lose your cool and offer the rest of us some entertainment while we wait.

Thank you blue Acura driver for doing just that this morning.

I don't know what caused her rash choice, but my guess is she was tired of waiting and wanted to try another route to get "downtown".  All I know is that suddenly from about 6 or 7 cars ahead of me I saw this streak of blue try to flip a "U".   A speedy U.

Under normal weather conditions she totally would have made it.  But we've had one heck of a winter and the roads aren't as wide as usual.  Also, the snow banks are high, as illustrated by my pic of Els above.  Keep in mind that that pic of Els was taken after the FIRST storm.  We've had many more since and the piles on street corners are over the tops of mailboxes!!

So, our grumpy and rash friend flipped a super speedy U straight into a corner snowbank.  And she got stuck.  Bad.  Like the front wheels of her car were off the road and just spinning in the air.  I can't tell you how much delight I found in this situation.  My kids can.  They got to hear my laughter.

Also, she managed to be blocking both a portion of Main Street and a portion of the residential side street feeding onto Main. 

Truly, my hat's off to her!

Now, after spinning and turning and doing the old drive, reverse, drive, reverse dance she wasn't going anywhere.  So she flipped her car door open and feet dangling - seriously, dangling - she jumped out of her car and began digging around her bumper.  She was luckily wearing jeans, so when she had to step into the snow bank past her knees she was clothed for the adventure. 

And what trusty tool was she using to dig fruitlessly?   That's right.  An umbrella.  A closed up umbrella. 

I don't know how her tale ended.  In the five minutes or so that I was able to stare shamelessly she made very little progress.   Turns out that umbrellas don't make great shovels, even in an emergency. 

Who'd have thunk?!

Too bad she'll be late to her destination after all.

Winter Cheer

I don't know if you've heard or not, but the air in Salt Lake City is toxic.  {Gasp!}.  Oh, wait... don't actually gasp.  You may die.

I was reading an article saying this is the coldest winter we've had in like 10 years and also, this air pollution is horrible.  We are living in a gray, soupy, depressing state of winter.  Oh, and it's cold.  I've had to dust off my mean mom heart and drive my girls to school rather than making them walk because even I can't tolerate single digit mornings.  The other morning it was -3.  Brrrr.  I don't remember moving to stinking Montana.

I read this nice little blurb today on MSN....or whatever web page The Hubs set up to open when I log onto the internet.  It said this about Salt Lake: 

"A group of Utah doctors is declaring a health emergency over the Salt Lake City area's lingering air pollution problem...."

Then some blah, blah, blah, and the important part:

"The doctors are advising people to avoid the outdoors. They say people can help their bodies fight toxic exposure by introducing anti-oxidants in their diet, like fish oil or chocolate."

Ah, yes, saving lives through chocolate.  It seems my dreams have finally come true.  Also, I will be healthier than all of you dieters and nutritional freaks because I got a 30 year head start on you.  Ha ha ha. 

I'll enjoy looting from your houses when you die.

Anyhow, I've decided that in addition to chocolate (I'm ignoring the part about fish oil because I think the burps would be worse than SLC's toxic air problem) that laughter is a part of surviving the toxicities of life and moving forward into the sunshine. 

So, I thought I'd get out my notebook that I keep funny things my kids say in and share some gems with you.  To those who are friends with me on Facebook I apologize because I'm sure you've read these already.  But, it's not like something can only be funny once.  I mean, consider the movie Napoleon Dynamite.  It gets funnier with each watching.  Unless you're alone.... then it's just confusing.

Happy winter friends.  May these little blurbs give you something to smile through the smog about.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cadie Lu was being kind of a princess and whining about a blemish on the banana I had given her for a snack.  I cut off the offending piece and said, "I'll just mail this piece to Africa and they'll give it to starving kids who would LOVE to eat it!"  She looked back and me and replied, "Oh, yeah, like you even know anyone in Africa to mail it to!"

The girls were arguing over who broke a drawer in their dresser.  I told them that the dresser was just old and that it was no one's fault.  "That was Daddy's dresser before we got married", I told them.  Joel got a horrified look on his face and screeched, "Daddy had to use a GIRLS dresser!!!"

Joely drew a picture of himself at preschool and colored his eyes in blue.  I told him he actually has brown eyes.  He wouldn't believe me so I sent him to look in a mirror.  He went into the bathroom and a few seconds later I heard him yell, "Oh My Gosh!"  Then he came running down the hall and yelled, "I have brown eyes!"  He was completely shocked.

Joel came to inform me that he had put on a clean pair of underwear while getting dressed.  He said, "At first I was going to put on some Woody (from Toy Story) undies, but then I thought those would make me have to poop.  So I put on some different ones."

Joel:  Uh, Mama, Jasec is pooping in his diaper.

Cadie Lu:  Eeeewwww... that is SO unfashionable!

Looking into a big aquarium at Cabella's Joel was fascinated by a very large fish.  "I know what that is!  It's called a German Shepherd!!"

 

After coming to me several times to complain that his Mario DS game wasn't working correctly Joel came back one last time and said, "I figured out what's wrong with my game.  I keep dying.  That's the problem!  I need to stop dying and it will work just fine!!"

And, last but not least, some helpful advice from Ms. Els (who is sadly getting too old to say some of those funny childhood things).

Do not step on a beetle if you see one on the sidewalk.  If you do they'll send a signal out to the other beetles who will then come find you and attack you!  Be VERY careful!

Okay, sorry, just one more.

Hubs and I were at a drive-up bank ATM and couldn't remember our PIN number.  After some debate between us Cadie Lu called up from the back seat:  "I have a happy face if that helps!"

 

You know what, Cadie, I've found that having a happy face ALWAYS helps!

The Babysitter's 10-Speed

Last night my brother and I were text chatting and having some fun reminiscing about our childhood.  Just for the record, we had a GREAT childhood!

At one point I asked him if it made things harder for him when I tell him I'm going to miss him.  He said no.  And then he said something along the lines of, "I'm going to miss you a ton.  Don't think I won't be coming to visit you from time to time, you know how I am with rules.  Don't forget about the babysitter's 10-speed bike.  I can be very sneaky. Very, very sneaky!"

To which I replied, "Out the back door before those angels even know what hit them."

And then I sat and laughed to myself about that poor babysitter's 10-speed bike.  Ha ha ha. 

So, today I'm going to share with you a story from the hallowed halls of Ridges family folklore.  A story that all in-laws have been told as a sort of "welcome to the tribe" tale.  A story laughed about at family dinners and on birthdays.

When Ben and I were little we were pretty inseparable.  I like to joke that I was the brains and he was the brawns behind many schemes.  This is true.  I don't care if Ben thinks he was part of the brains... he wasn't.  He was my eager minion.  (This is my blog, so anything I say on here is true and no one can argue with it!)

When we were probably like 5 and 7 we had a babysitter come to the house.  The poor babysitter rode to our house on her big, nice, new 10-speed bike.  (This is what we called anything that had gears and was bigger than our "starter" bikes.)

Of course, Ben and I asked if we could ride it.  This was kind of a foolish inquiry seeing as neither of us could have reached the pedals.  But it looked like fun.

She said NO.  Flat out NO.  Then she told us to go outside and play. 

So we did. 

On her bike.

I dared Ben to jump on her bike and ride it.  (Something about forbidden fruit being that much sweeter.)  He took the dare. 

I can still see him on that bike.  It was a behemoth compared to him.  His feet couldn't reach the pedals if he sat on the seat, so he just stood up with the bike seat rubbing his shoulder blades as he chugged along.  The handle bars were eye level.  He shot out of the driveway and started going around in circles in our cul-de-sac.  I was laughing the whole time.


It wasn't too long before the babysitter looked out the front window and saw what was going on.  She came out of the house shouting for Ben to get off her bike.  So he pedaled harder.  She chased him in and out of driveways and around the circle before Ben finally stopped a few doors down.  She hauled him back to the house, leaving her bike on the neighbor's grass.

I stood by, innocently, watching. 

She came back out, without Ben, and retrieved her bike.  She parked it back in front of our house and went back inside without a word to me.

About the same time the front door closed, Ben came flying out of the backyard, jumped on her bike and took off down the street like a flash of lighting.  I was dying laughing.  The grin on his face was huge.

She came back out the front door, screaming, red-faced, puffing as she chased him down again.  Back inside they went. 

And you guessed it, just after she'd once again parked her bike and entered the front door, Ben came flying out the back door, jumped on her bike and rode away.  He was laughing.  We both were.  It was hilarious!

This time when she apprehended him she was catching on and left him sitting on the front step while she parked her bike.  Then she told both of us to stop stealing her bike.

"We'll just take it again." One of us said.
"Then I'll tell your mom when she gets home." She replied in righteous indignation.
"Fine, let's make a deal.  If you give us some ice cream we won't take your bike again." I said. 

She agreed.

So we got a sweet bike ride, some ice cream, and somehow she never told our mom.

A scheme played out like the well-oiled machine Ben and I were.

Always at the end of this story my mom says, "No wonder I had such a hard time finding babysitters!"

I have no idea what she's talking about.


Oh, Ben.  I just love you.  Thank you for being my partner in crime.  My life was made better by having you in it!

Things to Miss

One of the hazards of raising young children is being constantly told that "someday you'll miss it" when you complain about something annoying your kids do.

In the spirit of this I present to you a list of things I HOPE I miss someday.

* Sharing my food/drink/spoon/straw/chap stick
* Finding only empty gum wrappers in my purse
* Empty toilet paper rolls
* Toothpaste smeared all over the sink
* 422 cups of water in the fridge
* Stepping on Legos and Polly Pocket pieces
* Fake fart and burp noises
* Melted ice cream cones in my car cup holders
* "Art work" on borrowed books
* Sticky spots
* Boogers on my shirts
* Combing snarly hair
* Being told I'm not smart 'cause I didn't go to preschool
* Crying, whining, tantrums, peed pants
* Begging people to sleep
* Mystery wet spots

Now.... I'm off to find some Clorox wipes and my sunglasses that suddenly went missing.  I have a feeling that when I find them, they're gonna be nasty!

Kids Q&A

Happy New Year Readers!  I hope 2013 treats you well and that you find much to be happy about.

On that note, in an effort to help you kick off your new year in style and eliminate some stress I've decided to teach you a little trick I use to keep my kids from driving me nuts.

Do you ever get tired of the broken-record questions from kids?

"What's for dinner?"
"Where are we going?"
"What's that?"
"What are you doing behind that locked door?" or "Why is your door locked?"
and the always popular "Have you seen my _____?"

Well, I did get tired of them.  And I'm still tired of them.  BUT, with some creativity you can turn those questions into opportunities to annoy the annoyer.  Sound too good to be true?  Read on for some of my stellar examples.

Q:  What's for dinner?
A:  Elephant toenails.

Now, this will occasionally get them to resubmit their question, in which case you continue naming an animal and a body part you'd never really eat until they leave the kitchen in a huff.  Some examples could be:  Kangaroo teeth, beaver tails, rhino butt cheeks (The Hubs's fav).  The list is endless.

Q: Where are we going?
A:  I thought we'd drive until we get to the middle of nowhere.  Then, when we get there we'll sit in a circle and stare at each other until we understand the mysteries of the universe.  Good news, I have chap stick in case you get hungry.

Yes, I really did say that to my kids the other day in the car.  And yes, they stopped asking silly questions.

Q: What's that?  (In some cases you may actually want to answer that.  But, let's say that all four of your children come to you one at a time with the same question... by number 3 you may want to get creative.)
A: Santa's beard.

As with the "what's for dinner" question, your possibilities are only as limited as your imagination.   Some other's I've used are: T-rex eggs, the rear axle of daddy's car, an elf lawn mower.

Q: Why is your door locked?  (I know some of you jumped to, let's say "lusty" conclusions.  You'd be wrong.  Ask The Hubs.)
A: Bathing my pet alligator, playing darts with Spider Man, filling Daddy's pillow case with shaving cream... Oops, the goal is to tell lies.

And finally, I understand that we mom's have a crystal ball with which we are able to magically locate any stray objects in the house.  But some days I don't want to dust off my crystal ball.  I just want them to stop losing their junk.

Q: Have you seen my ______?  (Shoes, coat, gloves, doll, camera, brain.....)
A:  Yes, I have.  Just a few minutes ago a mouse came shooting through the room on his motorcycle and I'm pretty sure he was holding ______ in his hand.

I love this one.  I makes them angry, which is my goal (wink, wink).  Of course, you can go with the highly annoying answer my parents gave me:  "Well, last time I used it I put it away." 

UGH!  I hated that!

However, even I occasionally have to use some of the classics from times gone by.  Because everyone should hear at least once in their life that  "It'll feel better when it stops hurting".

Best of luck to you my friends.  Parenthood is like being thrown out of an airplane without a parachute.  Now you at least have some material, so get to stitching.