Total Guarantee

Earlier this week I was sitting in my sunny living room reading an entertaining novel while snuggled up with a cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips.

A few minutes into my reading I heard one of the many much-dreaded noises of mothers everywhere. Running water and whispering voices in the kitchen. I was alarmed, but not alarmed enough to get off the couch, so I loudly inquired about what was going on.

"We're getting some water for our boat to float in." Ms. Els replied, while Cadie Lu continued to speedily fill a bowl with water before I cut them off.

I loudly sighed in the universal sign of I-have-no-desire-to-deal-with-this and I-should-let-my-kids-have-fun. Recognizing the sigh, and that I was torn in my response, Ms. Els quickly jumped in with:

"Mom, you have my TOTAL GUARANTEE that we won't make a mess."

Faced with such a strong arument, I was forced to cave and let the water play commence. Also, I wanted to see how this Total Guarantee played out.

It flopped like a fart in church.

I went into the kitchen a while later to find about 52 soaking wet towels on the counter and kitchen floor. The boat, 5 different water bowls (apparently they were lake hopping) and various Polly Pockets were all spread about. The culprits had fled the scene and moved onto more lucrative mess making opportunities.

I called Ms. Els back to cash in on her Total Guarantee.

"Uh, Els, what happened to your Total Guarantee?" I asked.

"Cadie Lu happened." She replied with all sincerity. Nicely played.

"Well, since you made the guarantee you're going to have to clean it up." I stated.

She did so grudgingly. As I watched her schlepping wet towels down to the laundry room I couldn't help but think of that line from Tommy Boy where Chris Farley's character says something like, "I can stamp a guarantee on a box of crap, but it's still a box of crap."

I'm hoping this will teach her that you can't throw guarantee's around willy-nilly unless you're willing to back it up.

It's like I always say... keep expectations low, make no promises, and you will succeed. Of that you have my Total Guarantee.

I AM A MOTHER

I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
Than twine a chain of diamonds about my [carefree] head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise.
~ Meredith Gray


Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
~ Author Unknown

If we stop to think about what we do, really do, we are building for the centuries. We are building character, and tradition, and values, which meander like a river into the distance and out of our sight, but on and on and on.
~ Anna Quindlen

Practice Makes Perfect

Tonight was one of those perfect summer evenings. The baking heat of the day had passed and a light breeze was blowing as the kids and I sat on the front steps eating popsicles while Dad mowed the lawn. We like to support him by cheering on from the sidelines rather than leaving him outside all alone and unappreciated!
I was personally very much enjoying the silence that only happens when chattering mouths are blissfully full. I was thrilled to be NOT thinking about the many issues needing my attention. And then...

"You know, Mom, I've had a really busy day. I've been practicing being a genie all day...just in case." Of course I asked for a demo of her newly acquired genie skills. She really has been practicing to be a genie... if genies look like they're suffering from a grand-mal seizure while granting wishes.

But hey, who am I to burst her little bubble? Maybe she really will be a genie someday!

Now I'm thinking that I should start practicing being rich, you know, just in case. I'm going to go shopping, sit around while someone cleans my house, order room service and get a bazillion different spa treatments. It's gonna be awesome...


I mean, I AM going to have a genie for a daughter after all, and I need to be ready when the mountains of gold start rolling in!

Words, Words and More Words....

This morning my darling Cadie Lu informed me that she hates church. She said, and I quote, "I hate church. It's boring. All it is, is words, words, words, prayer, words, words, words, song, words, words words. And it's BORING!"

You know, she has a point. Church is a lot of words interspersed with occasional songs and prayers which send us from one place of words to another.

I myself have struggled with the boredom factor of church. I should probably feel more ashamed than I do when I admit that I've brought the Ensign magazine to church on occasion to read during a particularly boring group of words. Hey, at least it wasn't People or something!

I guess the trick is to try to keep your head up, eyes open and ears ready to hear the one or two words a week that have an impact on you. Sure, you may sit there for three hours listening to a lot of words that fall against your head like waves against a dam without really getting in.

But then some of that water finds a small crack in that brick wall you've built and it manages to leak in and saturate your mind.

It's those words that remind me of the really important things: Be nice and try your best.

Besides, Ms. Els knows that we're supposed to go to church on Sundays and there's no living with her when we miss it. Just sayin'.

Preschoolers For Peace

I do believe I've stumbled across a way to establish world peace. I hope you're as excited as I am! This is big news!

Next time there is a major conflict in worldwide relations - or next time some nation is being a real rude butt jerk - we should haul in a bunch of 4 year-olds to handle the situation.

I got the idea from listening to a conversation between 4 year-old Cadie Lu and her older, much victimized, sister Ms. Els.

Ms. Els had done something to annoy Cadie Lu and our volatile little preschooler hucked a toy in retaliation. The toy hit poor Ms. Els directly on the nose. She screamed out in defense of her smeller's well being and said that she was pretty sure it was broken.

Here is how our Nobel Peace Prize winner, Cadie the Hulk, responded.

Cadie Lu: Oh jeez, Els. It's not broken. No bones fell out or anything!
Ms. Els: You can't just go around hitting people on the nose!
Cadie Lu: Sure I can. That's what people do when they're mad. They just walk up and hit someone in the nose. And then that person hits them back in the nose. And then everyone is happy.

There you have it. Genius. No more long boring negotiations. No more novel-length peace treaties.

From now on, someone should just walk up to the offending official, punch them in the nose and then hug it out. No big deal.

Perhaps milk and cookies to wrap it all up.

What a wonderful world it will be.

Wisdom of the Ages

My grandparents have been in town for the past week and I've enjoyed listening to their stories about growing up, and waxing nostalgic for my own youth in the process.

I always have a great time with them and come away feeling lighter and very blessed to have such a great family.

That said, I must share with you a little gem I took away from Grandpa yesterday.

(Unlike most of my other pics, this is my actual grandfather.)

We were all sitting around shooting the breeze - which that branch of the family does with exceptional skill - and regaling each other with tales of adventure. (I realized this weekend that we are ALL cursed!)

I don't remember exactly what was said, but Grandpa made a comment to which my brave cousin, M, made a sassy remark.

What was Grandpa's loving and warmly fuzzied reply?

"M, if I want something out of ya, I'll slap it out of ya."

Ah, thanks for the laugh Grandpa. My sides still ache. 82 years old and going strong!! I hope to be just like you when I grow up.

For those of you who think I already harbor some similarity to my Grandpa, what with my often sassy or somewhat zingy replies, well, I can't help myself.

It's genetic.