Against All Odds

After a particularly rough couple of days with Baby J I was venting to Hubs.  I even went so far as to say how all the "bad" things
going on were made harder by having a baby.  I was frustrated and everything lately seems to feel larger than normal in my grief   

Apparently growing concerned by my ranting Hubs said, "But you love him, right?"

To which I replied.  "Yes.... against all odds I do love that baby."

My drooly blue-eyed boy

And then I broke out of my rant and laughed.  

"I believe that may be our family theme.  We love each other against all odds."

I don't pretend to be an easy person to live with.  I'm independent, stubborn, and sarcastic.  As I jokingly told a friend the other day, I do what I went, when I want, how I want.   

As I go down the list of my family members I come up with words like mischievous, sassy, pouty, lazy, slow, messy, fussy, whiny, bossy and short tempered.

But, against all odds, I love them.  

When they all go to bed and I look at their little sleeping faces - with mouths firmly closed - I feel the truth of who they are seep into my heart.  Courageous, strong, energetic, curious, empathetic, cheerful, snuggly, with so much to teach me.

I'm so grateful for them.  

And even when people (HUBS) point out that my kids act just like I do, I can easily forgive them because I'm awesome.  Oh, wait, that's not what I meant to say.  

What I meant to say is that I hope they can weed through my roughness and take away the good.  Because even though I can be independent and sarcastic, I am also deeply loyal to those I love.  And I've never been afraid to not follow the crowd.

Other than those two qualities, I'm banking on them getting some helpful attributes from their father.  Hubs is a truly good person with the ability to work hard and sacrifice much to make those around him happy.

Today, watching my little ones run around the park on a gorgeous sunny Easter weekend, I was reminded that my life is blessed.  Even though these people have brought some of my greatest challenges, they have also brought some of my greatest joys.

How lucky I am to call myself wife and mother.

Happy Easter everyone!

Driver Beware

Today whilst running errands, Joely and I were deeply engaged in a discussion on stoplights and their purpose when we began to approach one.  Joel was quietly pondering the redness of the light when suddenly my eye was caught by the car in front of me.  It was a small white car with an apparent leprechaun and stuffed animal infestation.  In fact, I can't 100% guarantee that it wasn't a stuffed animal behind the wheel.

Not her car.... this person is an amateur 

From the windows hung every shape and size of shamrock.  Some were dangling from the roof (interior) of the car.  The back window, dash and seats had passengers of the stuffed variety.  Each was enjoying their personal celebration of the upcoming St. Patrick's Day.

My first thought, after "Wh--?", was "I don't trust that woman."

Now, I don't mean that I think she was shady with shifty eyes and a general hunched over persona.  I mean that I'm pretty darn sure she will be getting in an accident before reaching her destination (Oz) and I didn't want to be the person exploring that little surprise at the end of the rainbow.

So, I made a quick right and continued on a slightly altered path.

As I drove I analyzed why I would just automatically not trust a driver with a car full of party.  And I've reached a conclusion.

She is an alien life form.

No self respecting person from planet earth decorates their car like that.  Sure, some fun loving people have bobble heads or Hawaiian ladies shaking their hips in their cars.  But even those little breaches of logic are contained to one small representation on the dash board.

Anyone whose car is vomiting up beanie babies is clearly trying to use some sort of cloaking device to keep us average humans focused away from their origins.

They do not live on the same planet as the rest of us.

Also, humans are naturally social creatures.  We typically avoid stuffing our cars full of fake friends in order to have room for the real live friends we cart around with us.

Aliens are anti-social.  I'm sure of it.  They want to surround themselves with weaker creatures, and who is weaker than a stuffed animal who never talks back and has a permanent smile on?  See... see.....!!!!!

Sure, she may have flown a highly developed super galactic space machine to arrive here.  But that doesn't mean she can handle a car and obey traffic laws.  Sure, she may have dodged a meteor or two on the way into our atmosphere, but that doesn't mean she can dodge a flying stuffed snow leopard when the light suddenly turns red.

Really, for my safety - and yours - I would recommend steering clear of that amount of trouble on wheels.

 On the flip side... if she is human and the just feels a sense of spunk and frivolity by decorating her car that way, well,  then thoughts of Easter make me shudder, knowing she will probably have swinging eggs and little bunnies floating in the car, blocking her ability to focus on the road.  Don't even get me started on the horrors of the traditional stuffed animals given as gifts all around America.

Super cute for babies.... not for cars!

She's gonna need a Suburban.

The Funeral - Pictures

A few days before Ben's funeral my darling cousin, Stephanie Moore, who is an amazing photographer, emailed me to ask if she could perform the wonderful service of photographing the funeral and viewing.  We were so relieved to have her ask.  We knew that one day we would want pictures, but we also knew that we wanted to be fully engaged and involved in the funeral and not see it through our cameras... or worse, forget to take the time to snap some shots.

Thanks again, Steph!  You definitely took a load off our shoulders.

This past week her CD of photos arrived in the mail.  There were 575 pictures.  She got pictures of the private gatherings at my parent's house as family arrived, of the viewing, funeral and luncheon and the graveside.

It was bittersweet, for sure, to sit and look through all those pictures.  It's hard to explain how that day felt.  Looking back it almost feels like a dream in that some details are fuzzy and some are crystal clear.

Looking over the pictures brought to the surface some of the emotions that I was blessed to not feel that day.  That day was peaceful and serene.  It wasn't a day for crying, but a day for honoring and celebrating the life of someone we deeply love.

But now, almost a month later, I felt the emotions you would think I'd have felt that day and the days leading up to it.

Sorrow and heartache.  As time marches on I begin to feel the ache of missing him.

However, I was again reminded of the incredible sense of love and unity that we felt as friends and family gathered.

I wanted to share with you six of my favorite pictures that I feel like really represent that special day.  I'm sure they aren't the six that the rest of my family would pick... because each of us felt something or noticed something different I'm sure, but I love each of them for a specific reason.

I hope they will touch you as they do me.

** Click on any of them to view a larger image **

Number one:  This picture is of 8 of Ben's pallbearers.  His buddies.  4 were cousins (Trenton, Kedrick, Dave & Layne).  3 were life long friends (Will, Bryan, Wade) and one was a "newer" friend who quickly became a one of his closest (Dan).  One of my favorite tasks involved with planning the funeral was calling  them and asking them to be a pallbearer.  Without fail they all expressed how honored they were by that.  These were men who had a great impact on Ben, who stood by him through many ups and downs and who loved him.  They felt (and feel) his loss as much as any buddy would.

Number two:  The remaining 8 pallbearers had the honor of carrying Ben's casket from hearse to graveside. These men were family.  The Hubs (Steven), My dad (Rand), brothers-in-law (Dane, Marty, Dave, Ken), fathers-in-law, (Dane and Short-T).  It was snowy and quiet.  Ben's beautiful resting place is under some big, old trees.  Sara's friend played the bagpipe, Amazing Grace.  Again, men Ben loved and who miss him greatly.  Honorary pallbearers were Sara's little 10 year-old brother Nicholas, and my two sweet boys, Joel and Jasec.  Too little to carry the casket... but big enough to love Ben!

Number three :  This picture is of my parents walking out after the funeral to head up to the graveside.  The truck and jeep are Ben's.  He LOVED these two beasts.  Dad drove them to head up the jeep procession.

Number four:  The Jeep Procession.  We sent word out to all his family and friends who would be attending the funeral and had jeeps, to drive them.  It was so fun to watch the procession roll into the cemetery and to hear (and feel) the vibrations of loud engines as they hummed along.  Some were even driven without tops on, braving the 30 degree temperatures to honor a fellow jeeper.  Here are some of them parked at the cemetery.

Number five:  My family with Ben's casket.  I learned during this process that casket is from the French word for jewelry box.  Something small and often ornate used for holding valuables.   I find that appropriate. (Jasec was with his Grammy... a wise, wise decision that made this day less stressful for me.)

And finally, number six:  Family.  After the luncheon my mom's side of the family {The Campbells} gathered in the church Relief Society room and were just visiting and talking.  My cute photographer cousin got us all to take a quick group shot.  Out of the possible 20 grandchildren (21 with Ben), 15 were in attendance.  I have said many times how much it meant to me to have so much support.  Out of those 15 in attendance only ONE lives in the state of Utah.  Yep.  Amazing that they came.

We had an equally impressive turn-out from the Ridges side, but didn't get a photo with that group.

For me, though, this picture isn't so much about which side of the family it is, as the fact that it simply represents family and the beautiful support offered regardless of time and expense.

I must say, amazing, once more.

As we move forward and work through the loss, I am so grateful for these pictures.  Pictures I can show my children as we talk about Ben and how loved he is.