For Emily

I'm dedicating this post to my dear baby sister, Emily, who is about to venture into motherhood for the first time! As I've thought over what I could do for her to support her in what will doubtless be the biggest adventure of her life, I decided to share with her some of the wisdom I've gleaned over the past almost 6 years of parenting. For you doubting Thomases out there.. yes... 6 years DOES make me an expert!!

None of my advice will come from baby books. It comes from the trenches. This is the truth, as I see it, and I hope it helps you Em! Think of this as me giving you arm floaties, rather than just throwing you in to the teaming sea of parenthood. Love you!

In no particular order:

1) Bribery is GOOD! Bribe the crud out of those kids. In my mind, bribery is like survival of the fittest. The Mom who bribes the best, shops the best. Bribery is how our hunter-gatherer ancestors kept the kiddos safe in the cave while they went looking for berries. Think about it, if they hadn't bribed the kids with something, they could have run off and gotten themselves eaten by a saber tooth tiger. Instead, those kids sat still on a rock in a dark cave, mouths watering in anticipation of that yummy cookie Mom had promised to all her "good little kids". It won't spoil them, it will keep them alive.

2) Speaking of cookies... when you need your kids to come to you, don't bother calling their names. It's a fruitless exercise and will only strain your vocal cords. I'm not sure there's scientific proof of this, but I'm pretty sure kids are deaf to their own names. I have discovered the magic word, "Cookies". When I want my kids to come, I yell "cookies". Those poor fools come running every time... it's true.... I'm laughing just thinking about it. If they get hip to your game - because they WILL - I like to shake it up by yelling other tasty treats. "Ice-cream" and "Sucker" get an equally impressive response!

3) Black out curtains. Hang the darkest curtain you can find in that beautiful little nursery. You want to be able to put those kids to bed at 6:00 pm and have them think you've let them stay up until midnight because it's so dark outside. On the flip side, you don't want them waking up at 6:00 am to a bright and sunny room! Heaven's no! This will encourage them to rise early. Dark=sleep. Tattoo that on your arm and make it happen!

4) Invest in a sweet sound system for your car. I was once told that if your car is making a noise, just turn up the radio and ignore it. I feel like the same advice can apply to children. Hey, I never said my advice was nice! They'll keep talking , or fighting, but now you can happily sing along to the radio in a world of oblivion!

5) Make room for a playroom in your home. And make sure it has a door. Then, send the kiddies down there and periodically throw in a handful of fishy crackers before slamming the door shut again. They'll be happy, you'll be happy...and then when people come over you can just shut the playroom door and no one knows that it's a room littered with toys and rejected fishy crackers. Bliss!

6) Toys. Well, really, you have two options to get rid of those pesky little toys. A puppy or a vacuum. Because I am a smart and experienced woman, I have BOTH! See, if the dog gnaws off the leg of one of those dang Happy Meal toys, well, no kid is going to yell at the dog. You pat them on the back and tell them how bad you feel. As far as the vacuum goes, well, that was their bad for leaving toys on the floor... maybe next time they'd better clean it up... he he he...

7) Last, but not least, there are NO bad kids shows. (Okay, Teletubbies and BooBah are exempt from that statement!!) You've most likely thought that there are certain shows you'll never let your kids watch. I'll throw out Barney as an example. But, truth is, any show that keeps your kids entertained for 30 minutes is a gift from heaven. Who cares what that show is?! WHO CARES! You can shower, eat and pee in those 30 heaven sent minutes, and you don't have to watch the show with them. If they want to watch the Brady Bunch.. let them. Dora - sign me up. Barney -love the guy! Why? Why Not! (Keep it rated G though!)

Okay, that was lengthy, and I apologize. I hope my words of wisdom help you in your endeavors to have a normal and sane life while sharing it with children.

Happy Parenting!

The Cast - V

At last we come to the end of our cast introductions.

Youngest child (1yr)/Poor Only Boy/Cheesy Grinner - played by Joel.

The poor boy doesn't have a lot of lines of dialogue yet - unless "uh oh" can mean more than "don't look over here Mama!". Joel is just basically along for the ride. I found a picture that sums up Joel's entire life so far - yes, I DO realize he's only 15 months old.


Poor Joely has spent countless hours in a stroller as we've gone on excursions around the valley. He's been an unwilling bench warmer for pony rides, 4-wheeler rides, bike rides... you get the picture. We're hoping to remedy that in this next year.

Joel is a hug camera ham. (If he smelt any better, I'd eat him) Every time the camera comes out he does his famous "cheesy grin". I give you one of MANY examples:

Perhaps Joely's biggest skill is looking innocent, while harboring a totally sinister mind. In the past months he's managed to have both my cell phone and the TV begin speaking Spanish. He has deleted all my phone contacts and even set up a password on my cell phone that I couldn't crack. He just learned to walk, but he's a programming genius!! (Evil Genius that is!)

He also has mad skills as a walking crumb factory - which the dog loves and Mama doesn't. But, I digress.

Overall, Joel is just what we needed in this estrogen heavy household. He is always quick with a smile and loves to pat you on the back when he gives hugs. He also has an amazing skill for growing long curly locks... now if he'd just hold still while Mama tries to trim them.

The Cast - IV

Sept. 14, 2009

So... onward we go...

Our next introduction is to the character - and I DO MEAN CHARACTER - of the 2nd child (3 yrs)/Ragamuffin/Lover of Disguise - played by Cadence

Cadence has several gifts. One of those is being able to take a freshly scrubbed face and neatly done hair and completely transform herself by the time she walks out of the bathroom....

Cadence likes to keep people guessing... Is she loved by a mother who tries her hardest to keep her fresh and clean? Or - is she an orphan who's hand-me-down clothing is stained and who never has a brush run through her strangly and knotted locks? You'll never really know with this wily little girl!

Another gift Cadene has is the gift of disguise. This child LOVES to dress up and hide her mischevious eyes behind sunglasses. She often walks around the house saying "ha ha.. ha ha..Mama... I didn't do anything!" Or "I don't have anything.. ha ha... ha ha..." Her chubby litte hands are frequently buried in pockets or hidden behind her back.

Cadence keeps us on our toes with her requests ("Can I go to Africa next Tuesday and throw my friends a Hybernation Party?) and observations ("If you need to lift something heavy you can use a simple machine called a lever"). So, we may not always recognize her behind those sunglasses, or underneath all that fuzzy hair, but we definitely know who's laughter we hear down the hall....

The Cast - III

I suppose it's time to introduce our captive audience to the next member of our crew:

Oldest child (5 yrs old)/Budding police officer/Lover of hugs - played by Eliana

Eliana does her very best to keep this family in line and obeying the laws of the land. When we seem to disregard the laws made by man, she is quick to throw in that Heavenly Father would ALSO certainly be unhappy with our law-bending tendancies. For example: A few weeks ago we were in the mountains having a grand time jeeping, and Grandpa Ridges offered to let Ms. Eliana Mae sit on his lap and steer the jeep. She didn't hesitate to inform Grandpa that it would be against the law for her to do so. After all, "Kids belong safely buckled in the back seat."

It takes a certain amount of spunk, super powers and sass to keep this family in line. Luckily, Eliana has been gifted with high amounts of each. We're so lucky to have her. I mean, how else would Steve and I know what to do and how to properly raise our children, if it weren't for her!!

FOOLED YOU!

For those of you who actually thought Steve wrote that last post...well... you've been had ;)

I wrote that beautiful ode to myself. I don't want to call anyone's powers of observation into question here, but I'm frankly surprised that anyone fell for it. I mean seriously, it literally oozed.

In addition, Steve would probably have had a hard time being nice after the way I threw him under the bus in the previous post. He he he!!

And what have we learned here? It pays to have the password.

The Cast - Part II

As some wise person said, all's fair in love and war... and I'd like to add... blogging! In an effort to even out the playing field, I decided to allow Steve his chance to get me back for my last post. So, I'm handing the keyboard over to him for Part II of our Cast of Characters. Be gentle...

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The Mama/Wife/"Goosie" role is played by Aspen

Here is a picture of the most beautiful woman I've ever seen:


From the moment I first laid eyes on Aspen, I knew that she was the woman for me. She has a superb sense of humor and a warmth just radiates from her very soul. Being around her makes me feel complete. I was half a man before she came into my life. Every night I go to bed vowing that the next day I will attempt to live worthy of the gift of being her husband. Each morning, when I wake beside her, I wonder how I was so lucky to be chosen by her. I pray that she will continue to see some good in me, that I can go on. I would die without her.


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Well, shucks. Thanks Steve. You're not so bad yourself.... ;)