The Club

I've talked to a lot of people lately who want to know how my brother is doing and how my family is handling things.  People have amazed me with their kindness.  We've had impromptu meals dropped off, our drive-way shoveled, our leaves raked, notes in the mail, yummy treats.

Thank you! 

Someday I hope to pass it forward.

One theme in my talks with others is often, "Do you think it's harder to lose someone suddenly, or to have had the past two years to get to this place?"

That's tough, because I've never lost someone suddenly.  Before this the only deaths in my life of people truly close to me were my grandparents.  And none of those was without some warning.  They were older, it was expected.

All I know is that for me, as painful and stressful as this process has been, I can look back on the past two years with no regrets. 

I don't have to wonder if the last thing I said to my brother was unkind.

I don't have to regret not calling him or spending more time together while I had it.

There is peace in knowing that no loose ends are left. We've said what needed to be said.

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If I could share what I've learned, and encourage others in the process, here is what I'd say:

Be kind, be patient, be forgiving.

Allow people their bad days, their ugly moments, and hope they'll do the same for you. 

Time is the key to close relationships.  Make TIME for people in your life. 

It doesn't matter how you look or what you wear, WHO you are and how you make others feel is what matters.

Friends may come and go, but family is forever.  Over the years your friendships will ebb and flow, but your family will be by your side.  They are your past, your present and your future.  Treat them as the precious gifts they are.  (This includes your children!)

It's okay to cry.  It's okay to show others how you feel.  Sometimes by sharing your grief, you make it lighter.  Sometimes by sharing your thoughts you help others.

Never, never, never assume that your offerings of service to others are too little, or too insignificant.  To the receiver any and all efforts feel huge and thoughtful.  Don't be afraid to serve.

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That said, two years is a long time to watch someone you love suffer. 

Their suffering, and imminent death, weaves it's way in the fabric of your life.  It hovers, an unwelcome guest, in all you do.  You don't plan vacations, you don't sign up to volunteer, you make back-up plans for holidays and birthdays.  You don't start projects or commitments.  When the phone rings your heart skips a beat.

You carry the grief with you constantly, waiting in the background until it's free to burst from it's confines.  Sometimes some of it leaks out and you think that maybe because you've been preparing for the loss that when it comes it won't hit you so hard.  But then you worry about just how hard it WILL hit you when the time comes.

So, I guess I still don't know.

What I do know is that this club - the club of people who've lost loved ones - is one I never wanted to belong too.  It's somehow crowded and lonely at the same time.

I pray you won't join any time soon!