Eating My Words

There comes a time in every sassy girl's world where she has to open her mouth WIDE and eat..her..words.  Today, my friends, is that day. 

My loyal and long term readers may remember this blog from a year or so back. Sassy Blog Post .

Yep, I'm happy/scared/shocked/delighted and even slightly worried to announce that we are expecting again. 

I'm just about 17 weeks along and due....DECEMBER 11th :)  It's what I deserve for putting those words in print back in 2009.  Lesson learned.

For the record, I was on birth control and it failed.  As if I needed another reminder that I am actually NOT in charge at all!  This baby is already taking charge!

I doubt it comes as much of a shocker that it's been really hard for me to settle in and not worry after what happened last fall.  As far as pregnancy length goes, today is the same day that with my last pregnancy I found out we'd lost the baby.

I haven't wanted to tell people because fear was holding me back.  What if I lost it again?  I couldn't go through all that and would rather no one knew. 

But, I got a phone call last night that reminded me that life is full of so many unknowns and so many things can change so quickly.  Living all frozen up and scared isn't doing me any favors.  We can't get through our fear and worries without the support network of friends. 

So, my friends, no more hiding.  I'M PREGNANT!!! 

(Now, please let it go well!!)

Public or Private

I've been laughing about this for a week or two now and thought I should do a blog post. Also, I'm not doing so great on posting this summer.  With "all hands on deck" I'm finding less time to sneak away.

Anyhow, for some reason when I became a wife and mother my body ceased to be my own. It went from a privately held entity to a publicly traded entity.

I am constantly touched, sat upon, tugged, pulled etc.

The focus of today's little laugh is my - ahem - chest. Yep. Hasn't been my own for a while. There is always a little elbow, knee, head or hand poking, pinching, punching or slamming up against my poor chest area.  (We won't even get started on the Hubs!)

J-Bear even calls that area of my body "pockets".  He is constantly pulling out my shirt and asking if he can tuck a toy away in "you pocket" for safe keeping.

WHY oh WHY!!

Perhaps the best came a couple weeks ago when my Mother-in-law (MIL) was watching my kids. The subject of taking a swim in her condo complex pool came up. My wise MIL knows that my little fiends need mucho adult supervision and doesn't quite feel up to the task of taking them swimming alone. Did I mention she is wise?!

During said discussion Cadie Lu offered up this gem:

"I know, we could take my Dad with us. He's a real good swimmer. He can go underwater and everything. But, my mom, well, see, she has these really big... uh...chest things. And I think the water must hurt them. So she doesn't like to swim."

Oh, ho, ho. If only that were true. Water is the only place were those honkers enjoy the glorious feel of weightlessness. If only she knew that those are the only "big things" on my body that don't give me pain and embarrassment. It's the other "big things" on my body that make swimming an uncomfortable prospect.

Also, I appreciate her discussing my aching bosoms with the family.

But, I suppose that's how it goes with public entities.

Summer "Vacation"

Here is how I remember summer vacations from my youth...

Swimming at "The Bubble" with my friends

Afternoons at Pineview

Hiking

Horseback rides

ATV rides

Sitting on the trampoline visiting with friends

Building Lego empires in the raspberry bushes

Here is how I envision that my summer vacations
will go with children...

Splashing in the sprinklers

Playing at the park

Trips to the library

Swimming lessons

Visits to the family cabin

The zoo

Learning to ride a bike

Here is how things are actaully paning out...week TWO...

Makes me wonder how my MOM remembers summer "vacation"!

Scapegoat

I've been thinking a bit lately about how one of the cool things about being a parent is using your kids as scapegoats for things you don't want to get busted for. 

I come from a long and distinguished line of scapegoaters.  The other day I called up to my parent's house.  The phone was answered by my rather disgruntled father who had apparently spent far too much time that evening going around the house and turning off unnecessary lighting.  Turns out all those dinner time lectures  us kids endured over the importance of energy conservation, while Mom was innocently tucked into her casserole, weren't exactly aimed at the culprit.  Now that all the kids are gone, the identity of the perp is as clear as day - literally, 'cause she's sitting in a fully lit home!  I gently suggested Dad issue a formal apology to his maligned offspring.  Still waiting....

This brings me to the latest example of scapegoating.  He who shall remain nameless in order to protect what pride my blogging allows him to have, went to the store last night with Cadie Lu.  Prior to the store trip our hero had downed several pieces of sausage pizza and a few glasses of coke.  The food was rising up in rebellion by the time they pulled into the parking lot.  As he exited the van he realized that he would need to "let off a little pressure" before entering the store.  So, with Cadie Lu innocently standing near he did a covert check of the surrounding area and let fly.

Not two seconds later, a man who had gone stealthily undeteced but was clearly in audible if not olfactory distance, rounded the back side of the car next to our hero.  What's a person to do?

Well, he did what any quick thinking adult would do.  He glanced down at Cadie Lu and said, "Geez babe.  Whew!" and herded her away. 

I can only imagine the skeptical eye that the fellow store patron gave them as they walked away.  I'm sure he was aware that if that petite little 5 year-old had made a sound like that it would be the sound of her body ripping in half.

Still, our hero felt as though he'd saved face, and Cadie Lu didn't rat him out - which has actually happened to me in the past.

As far as our future goes, only time will tell who is REALLY drawing on walls, feeding the dog people food and forgetting to flush the toilet.  For now I'm enjoying the dinner time lectures while innocently downing my Chinese take-out. 

Affair

The other day when The Hubs came home from work he asked about my day and then jokingly asked if "the pool boy" had stopped by.  Hardy, har, har....  It's a little joke between us.  However, it got me to thinking about cheating spouses, which then got me thinking about the logistics of cheating. 

Aside from the fact that I love and respect Hubs and the fact that there are MANY moral objections - I'm wondering just how on earth people have any interest in cheating on their spouses!!

First off, cheating would require a shower, shave, make-up, hairdo, perfume and lotioned body.  Oh man, I just about fell asleep thinking about the effort it would take to prep my sad body for this kind of occasion.  Why would I want to do that when Hubs takes me as I am and acts like he's lucky to have me??!!  (Well, actually he IS one lucky son of a gun!)

Second, cheating would require securing a babysitter and having to come up with some flimsy excuse about where you will be.  I'm not so good at this seeing as I'm usually a purger of information.  Also, my mother in law is my most used babysitter... so it would probably get back to Hubs that she'd seen a lot of the kids lately and the kidlets would giddily share with their Daddy how they'd spent several days with Grammy.  This is a no go. 

Third, cheating would require a place to go to, which would cost money and could also possibly cost you your health.  Not to mention the fact that I can't just magically make $60 bucks disappear (yes, it's a dive) without The Hubs wondering why we're having ramen noodles every night... and why I look so sexy cooking dinner.

Next you have to have the energy to cheat, to pretend you care what the "new" guy is talking about, to pretend to have the same interests etc.  Honestly, why would I do this when The Hubs is happy to sit on the couch next to me at night eating Ben and Jerry's and channel surfing with no conversation?!  This seems more like a punishment than a stimulating situation.

All in all, I just can't see the draw to cheating.  It would be a grueling process that can only end in tears. 

I gave my best years to The Hubs... and I'm trusting him to keep them!! 

Ice Cream Expiration

Today I caught myself doing something highly ridiculous... as opposed to when I'm the epitome of coolness.

I was standing in my kitchen feeling a strong NEED for something to soothe the savage beast.  I'd selected a Netflix show for the mini-beasties, but Mama needed something more in order to make it through that last stretch of the day.

I found my salvation in the freezer.  A 1/2 gallon of rainbow sherbet.  Not ice-creamy deliciousness, probably a remnant of a silly moment of health consciousness, but still...Hello old friend!

As I pulled it out I began to wonder just exactly how old my "old" friend was.  And I started looking over the container for an expiration date.

It was then that it hit me what I was doing.  I was actually looking for an expiration date on my sherbet.  As if it matters!!!  Unless a mushroom forest had sprouted up inside there, surrounded by some decorative mold bushes, I'd be eating it regardless of the printed date on the side.

Also, I'm somewhat amazed that any icy treat has been in my freezer long enough for me to actually wonder about it's origins and length of stay.  This is a new feeling.  One I'm not entirely comfortable with.  It's like I uncovered my evil twin today.  The one who doesn't gobble down junk and who treats her family with kindness and respect.  {shudder!}

The ice crystals I found inside didn't stand a chance against a quick 10 seconds in the microwave, after which I was able to settle down with a giant spoon and let a bit of heaven melt on my tongue.

I never did find an expiration date.  But, hey, it didn't taste dusty and I haven't had to hit the loo, so all in all it was a successful venture.  The kids had Dora, I had mystery sherbet and a novel. 

I do believe the Hubs will be coming home to a happy house today...

But no sherbet.

Mother's Day

In honor of Mother's Day I've scrounged together some quotes that made me giggle.  After all, all mother's know that it's either laugh or cry out there!  And you need a serious sense of humor to plug on through.

There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. - Ogden Nash

It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. - Elinor Goulding Smith

If you've never been hated by your child, you've never been a parent. - Bette Davis

Children seldom misquote you. They more often repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. -Mae Maloo

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease. - Lisa Alther

Do not, on a rainy day ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. - Fran Lebowitz

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint. - James Fenton

And last, but not least, I dedicate this little gem to the woman who raised me.  She who faced down the daily grind with much laughter, who greeted us in the mornings with chipper smiles and silly songs despite our constant begging for the music to die.  To the woman who rocks out to the Morman Tabernacle Choir, who keeps attempting to inject some spirituality into our family and who has no sense of direction no matter how hard she tries....

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing women in my life.