Affair

The other day when The Hubs came home from work he asked about my day and then jokingly asked if "the pool boy" had stopped by.  Hardy, har, har....  It's a little joke between us.  However, it got me to thinking about cheating spouses, which then got me thinking about the logistics of cheating. 

Aside from the fact that I love and respect Hubs and the fact that there are MANY moral objections - I'm wondering just how on earth people have any interest in cheating on their spouses!!

First off, cheating would require a shower, shave, make-up, hairdo, perfume and lotioned body.  Oh man, I just about fell asleep thinking about the effort it would take to prep my sad body for this kind of occasion.  Why would I want to do that when Hubs takes me as I am and acts like he's lucky to have me??!!  (Well, actually he IS one lucky son of a gun!)

Second, cheating would require securing a babysitter and having to come up with some flimsy excuse about where you will be.  I'm not so good at this seeing as I'm usually a purger of information.  Also, my mother in law is my most used babysitter... so it would probably get back to Hubs that she'd seen a lot of the kids lately and the kidlets would giddily share with their Daddy how they'd spent several days with Grammy.  This is a no go. 

Third, cheating would require a place to go to, which would cost money and could also possibly cost you your health.  Not to mention the fact that I can't just magically make $60 bucks disappear (yes, it's a dive) without The Hubs wondering why we're having ramen noodles every night... and why I look so sexy cooking dinner.

Next you have to have the energy to cheat, to pretend you care what the "new" guy is talking about, to pretend to have the same interests etc.  Honestly, why would I do this when The Hubs is happy to sit on the couch next to me at night eating Ben and Jerry's and channel surfing with no conversation?!  This seems more like a punishment than a stimulating situation.

All in all, I just can't see the draw to cheating.  It would be a grueling process that can only end in tears. 

I gave my best years to The Hubs... and I'm trusting him to keep them!! 

Ice Cream Expiration

Today I caught myself doing something highly ridiculous... as opposed to when I'm the epitome of coolness.

I was standing in my kitchen feeling a strong NEED for something to soothe the savage beast.  I'd selected a Netflix show for the mini-beasties, but Mama needed something more in order to make it through that last stretch of the day.

I found my salvation in the freezer.  A 1/2 gallon of rainbow sherbet.  Not ice-creamy deliciousness, probably a remnant of a silly moment of health consciousness, but still...Hello old friend!

As I pulled it out I began to wonder just exactly how old my "old" friend was.  And I started looking over the container for an expiration date.

It was then that it hit me what I was doing.  I was actually looking for an expiration date on my sherbet.  As if it matters!!!  Unless a mushroom forest had sprouted up inside there, surrounded by some decorative mold bushes, I'd be eating it regardless of the printed date on the side.

Also, I'm somewhat amazed that any icy treat has been in my freezer long enough for me to actually wonder about it's origins and length of stay.  This is a new feeling.  One I'm not entirely comfortable with.  It's like I uncovered my evil twin today.  The one who doesn't gobble down junk and who treats her family with kindness and respect.  {shudder!}

The ice crystals I found inside didn't stand a chance against a quick 10 seconds in the microwave, after which I was able to settle down with a giant spoon and let a bit of heaven melt on my tongue.

I never did find an expiration date.  But, hey, it didn't taste dusty and I haven't had to hit the loo, so all in all it was a successful venture.  The kids had Dora, I had mystery sherbet and a novel. 

I do believe the Hubs will be coming home to a happy house today...

But no sherbet.

Mother's Day

In honor of Mother's Day I've scrounged together some quotes that made me giggle.  After all, all mother's know that it's either laugh or cry out there!  And you need a serious sense of humor to plug on through.

There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. - Ogden Nash

It sometimes happens, even in the best of families, that a baby is born. This is not necessarily cause for alarm. The important thing is to keep your wits about you and borrow some money. - Elinor Goulding Smith

If you've never been hated by your child, you've never been a parent. - Bette Davis

Children seldom misquote you. They more often repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. -Mae Maloo

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease. - Lisa Alther

Do not, on a rainy day ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. - Fran Lebowitz

The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint. - James Fenton

And last, but not least, I dedicate this little gem to the woman who raised me.  She who faced down the daily grind with much laughter, who greeted us in the mornings with chipper smiles and silly songs despite our constant begging for the music to die.  To the woman who rocks out to the Morman Tabernacle Choir, who keeps attempting to inject some spirituality into our family and who has no sense of direction no matter how hard she tries....

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin

Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing women in my life. 

The NEW Golden Rule

It occurred to me today as I watched my overachiever neighbor mow his lawn for like the 4th time this season (totally unnecessary!) that there should be an addendum added to the golden rule.

Yes, it's important to "do unto others as you would have done unto you".  Too bad it isn't preventing any wars, but it works in small ways.

Anyhow, I think we should enlarge that to include "stop making others around you look bad" !!

So, I propose the following:

Skinny people stop wearing their cutesy little outfits around me.

Neighbors keep their yards in the same state as mine rather than trying to beautify. 

No one keeps a cleaner house, drives a nicer car, gets paid more money or has better behaved children.

It's hurting my feelings.  And that is NOT what the golden rule is all about.

Although, as I read this I think it kind of sounds like I'm proposing a more communistic society, which isn't entirely true. 

I am very open minded about poeple who live more than 50 miles away from me.  They can be as flashy as they want.  (Just keep your pictures off Facebook!)

The rest of you, please, lower your awesomeness and enjoy the dullness that is living like me :)

Won't it feel good to embrace mediocrity while sipping cokes and watching the dandelions grow??!!

You'll thank me for it....someday!

25 Things

So, someone challenged me to do a blog post with 25 things about myself.  I make no promises about the greatness of what you are about to read.  Be prepared to snore... 

1 - My first name is Aspen.  My maiden name is Ridges.  Pretty fancy huh?!!  Yep, after some questioning it would appear that the parents knew they were naming me after a ski resort.  But, they gave me a middle name to break it up.  Too bad no one used it, and I'm pretty sure most of you won't know what it is. 

2 - I collected giraffes for a lot of years.  Until giraffes became "cool" and then I stopped.  But, I have some really great items that family and friends brought me from around the world, and I've held on to those priceless artifacts!

3 - My left hand is basically a useless lump of flesh.  By some miracle it can type and it can play the piano.  Other than that it just hangs there taking up space and making me look symmetrical.

4 - My feet are totally square.  All my toes are short and basically the same length, unlike some people whose toes vary in length.  Also, my feet are super fat. 

5 - I read voraciously.  (At least enough that I know what the word voracious means and how to use it in a sentence!)  On average I would say I go through about 4 novels a week.  Some weeks more, rarely less.

6 - I have a gardening black thumb of death.  The other day my daughter told me she's so glad it's spring so we can start growing weed gardens again.  I didn't bother to correct her.  They ARE weed gardens!

7 - I have no time or energy for people who are constantly pessimistic or "downers".  Sure, every now and then a girl's gotta vent, but for the most part I don't care much about lingering physical ailments or what your therapist told you about expressing your emotions.  Make me smile, make me laugh and we'll be friends forever.  Show me your fungus and I'm out the door. (Okay, unless your life is a train wreck, then I find entertainment value in that!)

8 - I used to be okay with doing my business in the woods.  Now, it makes me itchy.

9 - The other day I found some red sand that one of my kids had brought home from our southern Utah trip.  It made me happy.  I gathered it in a plastic bottle and put it in my china hutch to remind me of happy times.

10 - All three of my kids names were chosen for a very significant reason.  I think names are important and I love telling my children the stories behind their names.  (Not room here, but maybe some day.)

11 - Today my son has asked to watch Toy Story 2 about 14 times.  I can't take any more, so I set it on rewind and he's watching it backwards with no sound.  Just keeping it from getting boring :)

12 - I love coke.  Not diet.  Full on syrupy delicious nectar of the Gods, Coke.  Ummm.....

13 - When I was in college my friends and I would sneak into the underground tunnels around the college by going down the manhole covers.  We'd take flashlights and sneak up into the closed buildings and look around. 

14 - We'd also have sleep overs at Crystal Hot Springs in the building above the showers after swimming at night.  (We did NOT break in!!)

15 - Some times I daydream about dropping my dog off at the humane society or him "accidentally" getting out.

16 - I am NOT a morning person.  My husband doesn't even tell me goodbye in the mornings most of the time anymore because he was not getting a good response.  Instead, after I've woken up I text him good morning.  Things are going a lot better this way. 

17 - I love to drive and I love road trips.  I spent countless hours in the car as a kid and I carry that love with me still.  In fact, some days when the kids are being dork-heads I'll pile them in the car and we'll just drive around for a while singing songs and talking.  It settles us all down.

18 - My dad had some pretty fabulous jobs when I was growing up.  One of my favorites was when he sold ski grooming equipment.  He drove a big diesel truck to haul the grooming equipment up to the ski resorts.  My brother and I loved to ride along in the big rig and then take ski school while he did his job.

19 - When something isn't working my first reaction is usually to punch it (not people!).  Honestly about 80% of the time the dang thing starts working again.  I learned this at my father's knee :)  The other day I demonstrated for my father-in-law when a soda fountain wouldn't work.  I just reached up and punched the thing hard.  Suddenly it began working again.  It's a gift.

20 - I like to wear flip flops when I mow the lawn.  Yep, it's dangerous and my feet turn green.  I don't care and you can't make me stop.

21 - I hate cleaning the shower and the tub.

22 - I can not leave the beds in my house unmade.  I have to have them made every single day.  Even on weekends I make my kids get right up and make their beds.  Nothing else seems so bad when the beds are made.

23 - I don't like to cook, but I like to eat.  This is how I got so fat.  Apparently all the foods at restaurants aren't actually as low calorie as I'd like them to be.  Rats.

24 - I fall on the stairs all the time, both going up and "skiing" down.  It hurts a lot more the older I get.

25 - I find joy and fulfillment in sassiness and sarcasm.

Wow - I did come up with 25 things.  They aren't fabulous, but I did it. 

Now it's your turn!!

Shower Grater

Okay, here's my beef. 

I understand that showers have to have a drain.  And said drain has to have something that keeps big things - like your foot - from going down, while still allowing water to...ahem...drain. 

But, does the design have to be patterned after a cheese grater?

Maybe for richy riches who have fancy shower seats this may not be a concern.  But for po' folk like myself who have to actually sit on the floor of the shower while performing contortionist moves in order to shave my legs, this can pose a rather uncomfortable problem.

This morning I had decided that since the sun was poking out I ought to celebrate by doing my spring shaving.  I heaved my aching bones down into the bottom of the shower (shout out to Hubs for cleaning the shower making it much easier/safer to select a sitting area) and lathered up. 

After contorting, panting and cursing I finally managed to get up to my knees shaved.  The rest will have to wait until bathing suit season...maybe.

Anyhow, as I was working my way into a kneeling position and readying myself to heave upward I must have hit an extra slippery part in the shower and slid across the drain.

You guessed it.  I'm pretty sure I grated my butt.

My powers of observation didn't notice any serious bleeding.  Although, after shaving there was already a steady trickle of blood, so I should say I didn't notice an increase in bleeding. 

And there were no tears.  (I was alone, making tears pointless!)  I kind of just sat there shocked for a moment. 

As I stood I saw that drain with new eyes. 

(1) This is a safety hazard....

OR

(2)  Perhaps it would be possible to slowly "grate" extra fat off my body over the course of a few months. 

Hmmm.....

Until then, where's the donut seat?

Scientific ME!

an·thro·pol·o·gy =  The scientific study of the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans.

Anthropologist = MOM!!

It occurred to me today, while I was wiping yet another mystery material off a child's bedroom door, that I am, in fact, a bonified scientific expert.  I don't just spend my days wondering how on earth the kids got boogers on the ceiling or why pile-driving your sibling is an instinctual must.  I spend my days gathering data, forming theories and watching "survival of the fittest" take place right before my eyes.

GATHERING DATA:

There is a popular school of thought that says children naturally know what their bodies need and how much food to eat.  It is only as they grow - darn nurture - that they learn bad eating habits.

In our personal habitat here at home, I've been curiously watching to see if this is true.  My kids do seem to know that green things are poisonous and that ice-cream fills in the cracks after a meal.  Perhaps must stunning of all is the fact that you can indeed live off of mac 'n cheese without your skin turning yellow.

The research is ongoing, but I'm pretty sure that some day I'll be able to stand up in front of doctors and tell them that all their thoughts about kids self-governing their food choices is a bunch of bunk.  Ms. Els came out of the womb wanting Skittles... and that's not going away.

FORMING THEORIES:

I have a theory that opposites do attract, and sparks can fly.  When each of my girls were born they had a big honking cowlick on the back of their mostly bald heads.  Ms. Els's cowlick circles to the right.  Cadie Lu's circles to the left.  Ying, Yang... Gasoline, Match...

Sometimes I'll form theories based on the length of time it will take before they begin that pile-driving WWF stuff I was talking about.  About 9 times out of 10 it's within 20 minutes... and yes... sometimes there are blood spatters.

Which brings me to...

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST:

Who gives the best dead legs is king of the hill at our house.  Whoever can throw elbows, trip, tug or push gets the most donuts.  Whoever can distract, fake, lie or cheat their way out of getting busted, recieves the least amount of guff from the parents. 

It's almost entertaining... okay, it is... to watch how the kiddos strive to be the alpha-kid, head of the pack, offered the most smiles and snuggles.

Yep, my life is full of opportunities for more scientific discovery.  Why,  at this point today J-Bear has flung dirt clods from a potted plant all over the kitchen, somehow managed to get poo on his bedspread and emptied at least half of a brand new container of Nesquik on the kitchen floor, which he then put some water on to clean up, making a sticky chocolate puddle. 

Isn't it just inspiring to watch them on their path to discovering the world (sarcasm drip...)

All in the name of science!