The Sag Report

You know all about the Farm Report, the Stock Report and the Weather Report.  But, in my world, there is also the daily Sag Report. 

Yep, that is correct.  Sag.  Dictionary.com defines the word sag as:

verb (used without object)

1.  to sink or bend downward by weight or pressure, especially in the middle: The roof sags.

2.  to hang down unevenly; droop: Her skirt was sagging.

3.  to droop; hang loosely: His shoulders sagged.

4. to yield through weakness, lack of effort, or the like: Our spirits began to sag.

5. to decline, as in price: The stock market sagged today.

 

I find their examples to be quite a bit more flattering than the truth of what greets me in the mirror each morning pre and post shower.  Oh the horror.  Let's break it down shall we?

 

1:  To sink or bend downward by weight or pressure, especially in the middle.

* Uh, someone's been taking pictures of me with a hidden camera!  My middle is nearly touching my knees and it's all due to the "pressure" of carrying around all those Reese's pb cups and Keebler's grasshopper cookies that I've been eating.  It's like trying to hold up a giant snowfall when your roof was never made to bear up under such a load.

 

2: To hang down unevenly; droop.

* Meet my boobs.  Uneven, droopy, perhaps a little sad.  Each day I look at the ladies and wonder when we began to part ways... and where exactly they're trying to go.

 

3: To droop; hang loosely.

* Hello underarms.  These puppies are my friendliest body parts by far.  When I wave at myself in the mirror, they wave back from their saggy position.  When I wave to you, they just keep waving, unable to bear the sorrow of stopping.  Someday they will knock me out.  However, they could be handy against would-be intruders.  KAPOW!!

 

4: To yeild through weakness, lack of effort, or the like.

* I'm pretty much loving the dictionary example of this.  Our spirits began to sag.  All the time I'll compliment myself on how clean my kitchen floor looks, even though I really owe most of the credit to my chihuahua vaccumanator (mouthful).  Then, I'll mop it and be horrified at the realiziation that I've been letting my family live in a germ infested house for far too long.  It is at this point that my spirits begin to sag.  Which leads directly to the eating of pb cups and cookies, which leads to midsection sagginess, which leads to mirror examinations, which leads to pb cups and cookies... 

 

5: To decline, as in price.

* Well, I'm sure not the race horse I used to be.  Back when The Hubs proposed I was worth a pretty penny and he proved it by giving me a lovely engagement ring.  Today, I'd be lucky if someone felt that my sagginess was worth a Cracker Jack box in order to get the prize from inside and offer it to me in exchange for keeping their laundry clean and food cooked.  I've definietly declined in price.  On the inside, however, I'm mighty tasty, all coated in chocolate, mint and peanut butter.  And, we all know it's what's on the inside that counts!!

 

 Someday I'm hoping to enjoy a Firmness Report in the mornings.  I'll have my skin tags cut off, boobs reminded where they belong, tummy beat into submission and a gleaming kitchen floor.

 

And you'll all have to duck for flying pigs.