For Emily

I'm dedicating this post to my dear baby sister, Emily, who is about to venture into motherhood for the first time! As I've thought over what I could do for her to support her in what will doubtless be the biggest adventure of her life, I decided to share with her some of the wisdom I've gleaned over the past almost 6 years of parenting. For you doubting Thomases out there.. yes... 6 years DOES make me an expert!!

None of my advice will come from baby books. It comes from the trenches. This is the truth, as I see it, and I hope it helps you Em! Think of this as me giving you arm floaties, rather than just throwing you in to the teaming sea of parenthood. Love you!

In no particular order:

1) Bribery is GOOD! Bribe the crud out of those kids. In my mind, bribery is like survival of the fittest. The Mom who bribes the best, shops the best. Bribery is how our hunter-gatherer ancestors kept the kiddos safe in the cave while they went looking for berries. Think about it, if they hadn't bribed the kids with something, they could have run off and gotten themselves eaten by a saber tooth tiger. Instead, those kids sat still on a rock in a dark cave, mouths watering in anticipation of that yummy cookie Mom had promised to all her "good little kids". It won't spoil them, it will keep them alive.

2) Speaking of cookies... when you need your kids to come to you, don't bother calling their names. It's a fruitless exercise and will only strain your vocal cords. I'm not sure there's scientific proof of this, but I'm pretty sure kids are deaf to their own names. I have discovered the magic word, "Cookies". When I want my kids to come, I yell "cookies". Those poor fools come running every time... it's true.... I'm laughing just thinking about it. If they get hip to your game - because they WILL - I like to shake it up by yelling other tasty treats. "Ice-cream" and "Sucker" get an equally impressive response!

3) Black out curtains. Hang the darkest curtain you can find in that beautiful little nursery. You want to be able to put those kids to bed at 6:00 pm and have them think you've let them stay up until midnight because it's so dark outside. On the flip side, you don't want them waking up at 6:00 am to a bright and sunny room! Heaven's no! This will encourage them to rise early. Dark=sleep. Tattoo that on your arm and make it happen!

4) Invest in a sweet sound system for your car. I was once told that if your car is making a noise, just turn up the radio and ignore it. I feel like the same advice can apply to children. Hey, I never said my advice was nice! They'll keep talking , or fighting, but now you can happily sing along to the radio in a world of oblivion!

5) Make room for a playroom in your home. And make sure it has a door. Then, send the kiddies down there and periodically throw in a handful of fishy crackers before slamming the door shut again. They'll be happy, you'll be happy...and then when people come over you can just shut the playroom door and no one knows that it's a room littered with toys and rejected fishy crackers. Bliss!

6) Toys. Well, really, you have two options to get rid of those pesky little toys. A puppy or a vacuum. Because I am a smart and experienced woman, I have BOTH! See, if the dog gnaws off the leg of one of those dang Happy Meal toys, well, no kid is going to yell at the dog. You pat them on the back and tell them how bad you feel. As far as the vacuum goes, well, that was their bad for leaving toys on the floor... maybe next time they'd better clean it up... he he he...

7) Last, but not least, there are NO bad kids shows. (Okay, Teletubbies and BooBah are exempt from that statement!!) You've most likely thought that there are certain shows you'll never let your kids watch. I'll throw out Barney as an example. But, truth is, any show that keeps your kids entertained for 30 minutes is a gift from heaven. Who cares what that show is?! WHO CARES! You can shower, eat and pee in those 30 heaven sent minutes, and you don't have to watch the show with them. If they want to watch the Brady Bunch.. let them. Dora - sign me up. Barney -love the guy! Why? Why Not! (Keep it rated G though!)

Okay, that was lengthy, and I apologize. I hope my words of wisdom help you in your endeavors to have a normal and sane life while sharing it with children.

Happy Parenting!